I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize