So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
