Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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