This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
