grandma shit on top of the toilet
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
