New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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