My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
