There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
