Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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