Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
