If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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