And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
