Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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