Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
