Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
