nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize