I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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