nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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