So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize