he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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