tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize