i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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