I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
