his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
