I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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