You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
