How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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