Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
