i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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