Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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