Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
