Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
