Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
