Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
