You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
