We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
