do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize