hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
