I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
