she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
