I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
