my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My vagina just recognized that song.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
