I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
