i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this boner is exhausting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
