i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
