I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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