i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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