Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
