I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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