hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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