I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
