Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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