Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
