Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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