Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Brb crying the tears of my youth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I have post one night stand depression
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
