The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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