fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
