The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
