They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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