he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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