Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love having hate sex.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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