i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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