oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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