so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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