Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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